Wednesday, May 26, 2010

A New Form of Parasite

Well, gang. The results came back from my amoeba/worm test. They were inconclusive. But, I still took all my parasite pills and should be parasite free.

At least, internally speaking.

I discovered recently that I have a different kind of parasite. One that's not so easily removed and could potentially lead to one becoming... well... a little stabby.

His name is Ridiculously Hot Lawyer (RHL) and he lives around the corner from me.

RHL and I met last month at a place called In the House, which is super close to my house. He winked at me and I thought it was completely ridiculous and I laughed. My friend, Juan, told me not to laugh because RHL was trying to be sexy. "No," I said. "He's trying to be funny! Nobody thinks winking is sexy!"

I found out later that Juan was right. But I didn't let that phase me! I have a lot of free time on my hands these days.

So, RHL and I had been dating for about a week when I asked him if I was his girlfriend. (Dating culture in Nicaragua still confuses the heck out of me and, for all I know, having three successful dates with someone could mean that you're married.) He responded, "Just friends, ok?"

I was super mad. I didn't actually want to be his girlfriend because, well, after the third date he started saying things that made me suspect he is not the sharpest tool in the shed. And, so, my darling little self-esteem was slightly damaged by this not so bright fella basically saying I wasn't girlfriend material. And so, since we were just friends, I vowed to be better at being just friends than he was. I would show him.

And I did. The thing is, by half way through the 2nd week, I started thinking less that he's not bright and more that he might actually be retarded. He said some seriously stupid things. And, he speaks English, but I don't think he understands it. Granted, I do talk fast, but whatevs.

I think I now know how Michael Bluth felt in season 3 of Arrested Development when he was dating Charlize Theron's character.

He was so frustratingly stupid sometimes. One night, I was at home with a sore throat. He texted me and asked if he could come over.
"I'm not feeling well," I said. "I have a sore throat."
He responded, "I'd like to clean your throat with my tongue."
"Sorry. I didn't mean to be rude."
"That wasn't rude. That was disgusting."

The next time I saw him, I asked him if he would say something like that in Spanish and he said yes. Then he said it in Spanish. I told him never to say that again in any language whatsoever. Then he claimed he was a poet and i just didn't understand his artistry. Or some bullocks along those lines.

And then I told him he had to leave my house. He was seriously getting on my nerves. And it's more than just his desire to clean my tongue with his throat.

Fast forward to about a week later. I hadn't texted him or answered his phone calls. Because, well, we're just friends so I can ignore him as much as I want, right? Then, one Sunday night, he started texting me asking if I was mad at him and whatever. He sent one at the end and said that was the last message he would ever send me.

Why can I never leave well enough alone?

The next day I texted him, told him I'd been out of saldo (a lie) and he asked if I wanted to get together. We hung out and he brought me crackers when I was sick from taking my parasite medication. And that's what you do when people you like are sick, right? Then, all week he was too busy to hang out with me and I was trying to talk to him and tell him that we shouldn't hang out anymore.

It's funny how that works, right? When you want to essentially break up with someone, they seem suddenly unavailable. As if they know what's coming and, if they don't see you, they can avoid it.

I tried again last Friday to talk to him. He said he was working all night and not drinking any more. Then, of course, later that night I ran into him at this bar my friends and I go to and he kissed me on the cheek and said, "I'll see you around." I explained to him the difference between that and I'll see you later, so I decided he was just being a dick.

I didn't want to talk to him anyway because I'd been chatting up this other guy at the bar who is super awesome, not retarded at all, and totally gets my jokes. And he has a job! And a car! He has serious potential to not be lame. (Though my friends think he is gay because we've been on a date since then and he didn't even try to kiss me.) I was actually on my way over to talk to him when RHL intercepted.

Apparently, RHL was watching me talk to hilarious new guy. Come Sunday evening, I was bombarded with text messages.

First he called and asked if he could come over. I said no. Then the texts started. It went from what I thought was a hilarious albeit inappropriate joke to oh my god this mother f-er is insane over the course of about 15 text messages.

1) I love you!
2) Give me a child!

(I thought he was joking and asked him if he was drunk and told him I didn't have any children to give him, but I could potentially kidnap one for him from one of the neighbors).

3) A huge hug for you darling! Kisses for you! Miss your lovely eyes!

(It sounds sweet, right? But he says the same things all the time. It gets kind of old. Or maybe I'm just a huge bitch.)

4) Please, give me a child! I love you!
5) I love you, can't you see it? Give me a child!

(I texted him in Spanish and told him he is insane.)

6) I'm not a madman! I just like you and I want a child with your beautiful eyes! Have you been seeing another guy?
7) Yes or not? At Caramanchel you were talking to another guy. Just b honest.

(I told him it was none of his business and asked if he was drunk.)

9) I'm sober! I like you! But I felt jealous!
10) I like you for sure! Do you like me? Give me a daughter!!!

(I reponded, "Just friends, ok?" quoting a text he'd sent me before, but he didn't get the reference.)

11) Have you found another guy? I won't be your friend! I like you! Please be honest! Do you like me! I do!
12) Are you with another one, yes or not, damnit?

(The answer, for those of you who are curious, is not. But, I turned off my phone and received two more messages the following morning.)

13) Do you have another guy, bitch! I'm starting to hating you fucker, cuz I like you so bad. Breast, eyes, everything!

(Because clearly my breasts and eyes are everything.)

14) Give me my daughter now you bitch! I like you too much.

Clearly, the quickest way to a woman's heart is by calling her names and demanding children. I don't want stupid children. Or his children. If I even suspected I was pregnant with his child I would probably rip out my own uterus and throw it in his face.

I was kind of freaked out Monday. Because he lives around the corner from me and knows where I live and he stops by unannounced sometimes and he went from what I thought was a joke to completely insane in less than 15 texts.

But, now that is is Wednesday and I haven't heard from him again, I think he was drunk and is currently ashamed of himself. Or should be.

And so, I have decided I have no business dating Nicaraguans. Especially not stupid ones. Because all we do is confuse the hell out of each other. And so, I am going to the convent in Dario, Matagalpa, where I will live out my life as a nun, making candles and caring for orphans.

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